Serenity or Tyranny - A One's Journey
by Gloria Davenport, Ph.D.
What does it mean to be a “One,” they would ask as they slowly backed away, acting as if it were contagious.
“It’s tyranny,” I would blurt out, feeling the pain from many years chained to the compulsions. It’s like a huge yoke around my neck: a burden capable of choking my very life’s breath if I did not prove to myself, my parents, and the world that there was a reason for my being born—that I was worthwhile.
Defenses became skillfully honed as I followed the advice of that inflated ego in me, delighted that I had given him the power to teach me how to ease the pain. “Prove to them you’re worthy, Gloria. Work hard, act like a good girl, be perfect, make things right, keep the lid on, and don’t let your feelings show. I guarantee, you will be accepted, approved of, and loved.”
I always got sucked in. But, it didn’t work. For years I tried. I studied, attended workshops and conferences, got degrees, taught self-development and applied psychology classes, and even specialized in personality type systems. You name it, I experienced it. But the ego fixations, the driving compulsions, the fears hung on. It was tyranny. A journey I wish on no one.
Then in 1985, I was introduced to the Enneagram. They said it was a system through which I could find myself, my true essence, an integrated wholeness, and serenity. Oh, that sounded great! So, like a good One, I worked hard at making it work. I sought and soaked up the knowledge from all the original leaders, even writing a college course and teaching the Enneagram myself for the past eight years. It did help. The perfectionism eased when I started to congratulate myself, even laugh, whenever I made a mistake. It eased when I switched my perceptions and forced myself to look for the beautiful and the good in the dailyness of life. It eased when I began to acknowledge my dark side, the bad girl, and the anger and rage buried deep inside. It eased when others gave me feedback and support. But it eased best when I finally admitted I could not see, nor know, the big picture—that belonged to a Divine Power. My jumping in to fix things, clean up the messes, and make things “right,” often made things worse.
Yet true serenity, true transformation/conversion still eluded me. The infantile fears, the ego’s power, the unconscious compulsions still controlled. The harder I tried, the deeper I got into my Oneness. I even perfected higher level One behavior by “acting as if,” but it only looked as if I had changed.
Then nine months ago, I was jolted. A painful awakening. For the first time in 67 years, my hard work, my diligent efforts, my responsible attention, did not pay off. I was rejected as a Spiritual Director in a two year training program. In one moment, my scaffolding, all my defenses, collapsed. My false-self died. To my Soul, it was my Gift. Finally, I had allowed myself to be vulnerable—to be helpless, to lower the standards, to feel inadequate, and even shut out the ego. At last, I knew in my gut, I could never make the journey into my true essence through my own efforts. Only a Higher Power, God’s Grace, could carry me through.
Of course the Enneagram was key in helping me get ready for the journey. It showed me direction, but it’s only a map. It was I who had to own, embrace, and give space to my shadows. It was I who had to feel helpless before I could let go of the controls, get out of His way, and trust. Only then, did I feel serenity!
__________ Enneagram Monthly, Issue 9, November 1995
“It’s tyranny,” I would blurt out, feeling the pain from many years chained to the compulsions. It’s like a huge yoke around my neck: a burden capable of choking my very life’s breath if I did not prove to myself, my parents, and the world that there was a reason for my being born—that I was worthwhile.
Defenses became skillfully honed as I followed the advice of that inflated ego in me, delighted that I had given him the power to teach me how to ease the pain. “Prove to them you’re worthy, Gloria. Work hard, act like a good girl, be perfect, make things right, keep the lid on, and don’t let your feelings show. I guarantee, you will be accepted, approved of, and loved.”
I always got sucked in. But, it didn’t work. For years I tried. I studied, attended workshops and conferences, got degrees, taught self-development and applied psychology classes, and even specialized in personality type systems. You name it, I experienced it. But the ego fixations, the driving compulsions, the fears hung on. It was tyranny. A journey I wish on no one.
Then in 1985, I was introduced to the Enneagram. They said it was a system through which I could find myself, my true essence, an integrated wholeness, and serenity. Oh, that sounded great! So, like a good One, I worked hard at making it work. I sought and soaked up the knowledge from all the original leaders, even writing a college course and teaching the Enneagram myself for the past eight years. It did help. The perfectionism eased when I started to congratulate myself, even laugh, whenever I made a mistake. It eased when I switched my perceptions and forced myself to look for the beautiful and the good in the dailyness of life. It eased when I began to acknowledge my dark side, the bad girl, and the anger and rage buried deep inside. It eased when others gave me feedback and support. But it eased best when I finally admitted I could not see, nor know, the big picture—that belonged to a Divine Power. My jumping in to fix things, clean up the messes, and make things “right,” often made things worse.
Yet true serenity, true transformation/conversion still eluded me. The infantile fears, the ego’s power, the unconscious compulsions still controlled. The harder I tried, the deeper I got into my Oneness. I even perfected higher level One behavior by “acting as if,” but it only looked as if I had changed.
Then nine months ago, I was jolted. A painful awakening. For the first time in 67 years, my hard work, my diligent efforts, my responsible attention, did not pay off. I was rejected as a Spiritual Director in a two year training program. In one moment, my scaffolding, all my defenses, collapsed. My false-self died. To my Soul, it was my Gift. Finally, I had allowed myself to be vulnerable—to be helpless, to lower the standards, to feel inadequate, and even shut out the ego. At last, I knew in my gut, I could never make the journey into my true essence through my own efforts. Only a Higher Power, God’s Grace, could carry me through.
Of course the Enneagram was key in helping me get ready for the journey. It showed me direction, but it’s only a map. It was I who had to own, embrace, and give space to my shadows. It was I who had to feel helpless before I could let go of the controls, get out of His way, and trust. Only then, did I feel serenity!
__________ Enneagram Monthly, Issue 9, November 1995
