Eights in Psychotherapy
Carolyn Bartlett
Presentation in Therapy
• Many Eights have a big energy and a noticeable intensity
• They are usually forthright and direct
• Can play Good Mother or Good Father roles and be protective and nurturing
• May be confrontational and demanding; can readily shift into anger and blame
• Self-referencing; may positively spin their own behavior
• In relationships they can be controlling and sometimes overwhelming
• In conflict, they can seem to have amnesia for their own past behavior; at other times they can be ruthlessly hard on themselves.
• Substance abuse may evolve from excessively enjoying sensory pleasure combined with their need to deny their underlying pain and vulnerability.
Healthy Eights are magnanimous, sharing their power and energy in a community spirit. They are natural leaders who want the best for everybody and act from high ethical values. They are also unguarded, allowing themselves to share the tender side of their heart.
When caught in their unhealthy pattern, Eights can be overpowering and insensitive to others and aggressive about taking what they impulsively desire. They ignore the impact of their bullying behavior on others even as they deny their own vulnerability. The Eight attention style fixes on power, overt control, excess, strength, and justice.
The prevailing American culture has a love affair with the energy of Eights, particularly as a male Archetype. Americans applaud figures like John Wayne or Clint Eastwood playing roles of protective vengeance. Eights say they feel the culture rewards aggression and supports their strong persona: “I never feel like a victim, I’m effective, and I feel society likes this about me.” While this is true for both sexes, female Eights often feel pressured to temper their aggression and channel their energy through an acceptable feminine image. It is more common for female Eights to develop the altruism of Two and the introversion of Five (see Connecting Points) at an early age.
Childhood Experiences and Adult Defenses
Eights possess an instinctual sense of truth and the inherent ability to relate to others without prejudice. As children, however, they learn to conceal their openness as they observe a world in which the weak are often victimized and the truth is defined by the most powerful. Those who have power – parents, teachers, authority figures – seem to harmfully misuse it or are too ineffectual to be trusted for protection. Eight children protect themselves by turning up the burner on their instinctual life force. This makes their energy available, abundant, and pleasurable.
Eight children often care for and protect others. As one Eight explained: “Nobody ever stood up for me. I never appeared to need it. I never consciously felt I needed it. It was 100% my job to protect others, and I would stop short of nothing to do it.” Another Eight added, “I went and stole a dog from some neighbors who were abusing it. My mom said ‘you have to return it.’ I said no. I kept it and ran a placement service for other abused animals I found.”
The parents of Eights often find it difficult to manage the child’s aggressive energy and many Eights remember not feeling held or nurtured: “My mom would tell my dad, ‘I cannot handle that kid. You’re going to have to do something.’” Some parents respond to the child’s power with double messages: “I think my dad liked my aggression even though I got in trouble. Everyone looked to me to solve problems in the neighborhood.”
Some Eights remembered throwing their abundant energy into being good students and community leaders. Others were near or over the edge of social approval: “All my life I’ve been a vicious fighter, always siding with the underdogs and outsiders, always seeing established authority as the enemy; this has been tough in my career because the concept of anyone being my boss is absurd to me.”
Some Eights described themselves as having been insecure and even shy, especially as children, but concede that this was probably not how others saw them. Even when conditions caused them to suppress their energy, the importance of being strong and protecting others was constant.
Eights protect themselves with the defense mechanism of denial, unconsciously disavowing their thoughts, feeling, wishes, needs or any external facts that are consciously unacceptable. The core neurotic impulse of Eights is “lust” – which can be sexual in nature, but also includes lust for whatever the Eight desires, especially power.
Lust drives Eights to be strong and act on their immediate desires which makes them feel omnipotent. They then deny their weaker feelings and the damaging impact of their actions. By acting quickly and impulsively, Eights avoid reflecting on their behavior, maintaining a momentum that prevents them from recognizing the vulnerability and hurt of others. More importantly this denial keeps them from feeling their own vulnerability. One Eight describes how she would deny her own doubt: “I want to have all my answers right away and I need to show no doubt. Some questions need complexity but I just have an answer in your face, ‘That’s how I feel, if you don’t accept my answer you are wrong.’”
What Brings Eights to Therapy
We often do not see Eights in therapy until they have a major crisis. Their capacity to handle pain without acknowledging it and the reinforcement they get from others for being strong steers them away from self-reflection. The most likely reason for an Eight to seek therapy is the threat of loss of significant others. Someone important to the Eight has “had it” with their behavior and is about to leave: “My wife was leaving me. I had to see how I hurt people ‘who matter’ and how I had denied the importance of other people’s feelings. I deny feeling really bad about hurting people, and this works until people who matter leave.” Another Eight added, “I had to give up the belief that it’s OK to hurt people.”
When the neurotic importance of being in complete control conflicts with relationships, Eights can be blindsided by the feelings that surface: “When I broke up with my first love, it was my first experience with failure. I had always felt in complete charge of my life and I was depressed for the first time. The relationship brought out my softer side. It turns out that relationships are important and I had not realized that.”
Other Eights agree that they are the last to know when their “complete control” is an illusion:
• “I was really agitated all the time, denying my emotions about some recent troubles and losses. But, I thought no one could tell. My professor, whom I trusted, asked me ‘what my body was telling me?’ The question caught my attention, and he referred me to a Gestalt therapist.”
• “I just didn’t realize what loss really meant until I experienced it.”
• “Therapy helped me see that my limitations came from me.”
What Does Not Work
Eight clients report that therapists often fail to negotiate their defenses. Eights see through dishonesty easily and, while they do need therapists to be strong, they don’t need us to ‘act’ tough: “It has amused me when therapists try to pick a fight with me in order to see, experience, work with my rage first hand. Any Eight knows when a fight is not real.” Eights warn that if they answer a therapist’s question too quickly, the therapist should be suspicious: “When a therapist asks me a question that is emotional or thought-provoking, I can clam up. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to answer. I want to answer in a way that maintains my sense of control. I may give a quick B.S. answer.” Therapists who continue to accept “B.S.” answers lose the Eight’s attention and trust.
Eight clients also say that formulaic approaches that allow them to stay on the surface or require they play a role don’t engage them: “For me the least helpful is cognitive therapy. It is just too safe. We can put things together and can stay there. It’s fun, I look really good and never get to the vulnerable place. This therapy reinforces staying the same, ‘I have it all together and I haven’t shared a single wound.’” Another Eight adds: “My wife and I had two sessions with this guy in Chicago, and he was using linguistics, trying to get us to re-state with ‘I’ messages, etc. I thought right away, ‘This is not going to work.’ I don’t want to waste my time in therapy, I am impatient.”
Some Eights may perceive a therapist with a reflective style as too passive or weak: “My first therapist was very quiet. I felt I was overwhelming her. The more I talked the more her eyes got big and she got quiet. I ended up feeling bad, like I had done something wrong.” An anxious style is no better: “Later another therapist asked me eager questions like ‘Is this helping? I really want to help you.’ I got rid of her, too.” Eight clients say that therapists should take heed when the Eight asks the therapist questions like: “Are you doing alright?” “Do you understand?” “Are you with me?” If they think the therapist is not strong enough, the Eight may start protecting the therapist by concealing their own needs.
Defended Eights can test and challenge therapists with an impatient, contentious presentation. Some therapists may be intimidated and contract while others could be tempted to adopt a false toughness. Eights warn us that they will read the therapist quickly and give up in disgust if it doesn’t look hopeful. The therapy might have had a chance to succeed if the therapists had known how to read the Eight defense and the fear it covers. Here is how Eights say they act when feeling defended in therapy:
• “I test, and challenge you to see if you are willing to be there with me. I need to know.”
• “I have spent my whole life with people not getting me. I assume you aren’t going to get me either and I come to therapy with a chip on my shoulder.”
• “My first thought is: OK, if we have to do this let’s make it fast, effective and efficient.”
• “Therapists need to understand we will be suspicious and filled with angry denial, and if they can’t stand up and fight, we will go elsewhere. You need to understand, we want help more than we will indicate.”
What Does Work
Eight clients want the foundations of therapy set as quickly as possible. Most talk of needing a strong, honest, smart therapist with whom they feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Therapists need to know it is hard for Eights to establish trust. Most recommend a forthright approach:
• “Therapy needs to be fast and hard-hitting early on.”
• “I need to perceive you have something of power to offer.”
• “For the therapist to effectively meet the Eight energy and ‘hold the space’ they need to be very directive, offering a solid dose of reality.”
• “Don’t pretend. Tell me the truth.”
• “I need someone equal, and intellectually able to handle me.”
• “The therapist has to be really intelligent to make me feel safe.”
One Eight remembered a therapist who approached her exactly right when she was a smart but troubled teenager: “I was feeling so powerless. First he helped me find answers quickly, which was an intellectual hook. Right away he gave me a Transactional Analysis book and said, ‘Here, figure out where you are in the ego blocks section and tell me by the next session.’ What I liked so well was that he connected with my mind first and then later he hooked me up with my emotions.” The value of first being offered intellectual resources was echoed by another Eight: “The therapist was wonderful. I hadn’t realized how I had stuffed my feelings. She gave me information, reading, and assistance with a plan. She kept focus, maintained just the right balance of emotion and direction. She was truthful.” When Eights say they want truth, they are asking us to be our most honest; to speak from our most authentic intelligence of body, mind and heart.
During various developmental stages and life crises, having a safe nurturing relationship can be critical for Eights. Teachers and mentors who took an interest in an Eight child can leave a memory of safety and growth through relationship. Therapists can bring the memory of such people into sessions as allies in the current work. An Eight woman remembered a high school teacher who ”just took me under her wing. I think she realized I did not fit in and she just spent extra time with me. She was interested in my life and believed in me.” This mentoring relationship made a considerable difference: “She believed I was smart and encouraged me to go to college, which I did.”
At a different life stage, supportive talk therapy can be exactly the right medicine for an Eight. The same woman above continues: “In college, far away from home for the first time, I became reckless. I drank a lot, was into a lot of sex. I hated my father and was angry.
“I was almost raped and this forced me to look at my omnipotence. I could see this was taking me down a wrong path and I was afraid of failure and looking bad, losing it all. I began to see a counselor, just to let off steam. It was just talk therapy, a safe haven, but it re-directed some of the feelings causing the recklessness. There was no real direction to it but I was in control, came when I wanted to and talked about what I wanted to, it got me through those three years.
“Direction was important later, when therapy empowered me to appreciate my strength and honesty, to be more of an Eight. When I was young I was more shy, I had low self-esteem and withdrew and took care of other people, I let my husband control me. I’m now clear about who I am and I appreciate my passion.”
A number of female Eights report relationship histories where they felt controlled. Despite their surface toughness, a surprising percentage had also been victims of physical and verbal abuse. Contributing factors included the fact that an Eight’s strong persona can attract dependent-aggressive men and that some Eights equate fighting with intimacy.
Female Eights can also feel guilty about their own aggression and try to suppress it. They often benefit when therapists help them identify appropriate boundaries and teach them ways to avoid getting caught in their own aggression. Some may fail to protect themselves from present abusive behavior because they haven’t forgiven themselves for past relationship failures.
Finding a healthy, powerful feminine identity can be a heroine’s journey for Eight women: “I think there are some gender identification issues for female Eights. No way could I have gone to therapy with a woman first. I idealized my father and did not respect my mother. Eventually, though, I needed a woman therapist who could help me know feminine power – that it does not have to be weak.”
Family and Conjoint Therapy
One possible dilemma for therapists working with an individual is deciding whether to include other family members in the therapy after individual therapy has begun. Shifting to a conjoint or family context can seem compelling when a client’s problems seem more interpersonal than intrapersonal; for example, when the client continually talks about their issues with a significant other.
However, therapists sometimes minimize the risk of betraying the safety of the therapeutic relationship, something Eights are unusually sensitive to: “After about a year in individual therapy for depression my psychiatrist suggested we bring in my (now ex) husband. I went along with it, and it was only for two sessions, but it was like my husband poisoned the space. I just stopped feeling safe.
“I continued with the therapy for another three or four months, but the damage never completely healed. I was far enough along so I quit. I might have done more and deeper work, but we never talked about what it was like for me to have had him there.”
An Eight’s apparent toughness can belie their actual need for safety. If the therapist thoroughly explores the consequences of inviting another family member into therapy beforehand, it can prevent the client from feeling unsafe or even betrayed. Often it’s better for the therapist to refer their Eight client and spouse to another therapist – whose client would be the couple – even if individual work needs to be temporarily put on hold.
In conjoint therapy, Eights can learn to listen and reflect before reacting: “When I get in a disagreement I want to resolve it now. I’ve learned how to wait.”
The language of feelings and vulnerability may be unfamiliar to an Eight client and the therapist may need to make them explicit: “Needs and subtlety just go right over my head. Friends have told me I just do not pick up on clues; when they are needy they have to spell it out or I don’t see it.” For many Eights, receiving nurturing is equally difficult: “When my partner would try to nurture me it made me angry, brought up feelings of vulnerability. To me it seems black or white. Either no nurturing at all or you open the door to a vulnerability that is bottomless.
“I’ve been learning it’s a matter of degree, but I still sometimes need the other person to spell out what it means. For instance, if my husband says ‘I’ll take care of you,’ it means nothing. If he says ‘you can lay in bed for two days and I’ll take care of the dogs and feed the kids,’ then I know what I can depend on.”
Two Eights enthusiastically recommended “Imago Therapy,” particularly the ‘container’ exercise. In this exercise, offered in “Getting the Love You Want” workshops, individuals take turns expressing old angers to their partner.
The technique helped this Eight to break through her anger and allow intimacy: “As a couple we spent 10 days with Harville Hendricks. The approach was very confrontational. It makes you look at your relationship with your parents. I really cried and looked into my sadness. The container exercise allowed me for the first time to have my anger, and it makes you relate this back to childhood. I always felt like my partner could not handle my anger. It allowed me to know that he could handle my anger and gave me parameters around the intensity. I was made responsible for looking in my own self for the causes. Finding out about how to express it, without causing harm. And the vulnerability of asking for what I have never gotten was powerful.”
Group therapy can offer Eights support and a sense of community making it safe for them to be vulnerable. At first, however, they may seem to have no needs in a way that belies the actual work they do: “It is hard for me to see how imperfect I am. I had to do this work alone, between group sessions. Otherwise I would have lost too much face. In groups, I have this image of being a leader. When I did finally do some work in my group and even cried, I was amazed to hear others say that they still saw me as strong. They thought I had more guts because of it. I was touched by the group’s honesty.”
Vulnerability and the Need for Protection
As I said, Eights need more protection in therapy than is readily obvious. One highly experienced couples therapist – herself an Eight – noted that many therapists expect the Eight in a couple to be the one to change. She also finds they push unfairly against the Eight’s energy because the Eight seems strong enough to take it. In her own couples counseling, she makes a particular effort to help the Eight’s partner understand and decode the Eight’s strong reactions, partly because Eights often feel misunderstood.
Several Eights were aware that their abundant energy allowed them to mask the side-effects of substance abuse and high-risk behavior. Therapists may need to look below an Eight client’s surface assurances that everything is fine and consider these dangers even if the client won’t: “I can be so in control on drugs. I have the energy to use a lot of drugs and still show up and make “A” grades in school and get any job done. I rationalize it by telling myself that I am so intense and that few people can match my intensity. But drugs can match my intensity, making it an attractive ‘relationship.’ The truth is that Eights are lonely at a core level. We can’t express it because we can’t admit it. The drugs numb the pain.”
Eights say they often neglect themselves and believe they can’t depend on anyone else: “By self-definition, I am both un-needful and undeserving of compassion. I need no one’s caring.” These clients also mask their need for protection with surface toughness towards the therapist. One client described feeling “afraid I was in danger of being dependent on my therapist. She saw me as much stronger than I was. I had a panic attack for the first time ever when I was in therapy with her. I knew this was coming from my fear of the therapy relationship. When I told her I was feeling dependent, she said something about how smart I was, and assured me I was stronger than I thought. She was admiring my defense. I felt shame for my vulnerability, wanted her to hold me, and I was ashamed for even having that thought.”
One Eight describes his surprised relief at feeling protected by his therapist: “The first time I ever recall anyone addressing my need for protection was when my therapist – ironically, a tiny, lovely young woman – reacted strongly when I told her about my sexual abuse. She was clearly outraged and angry: ‘You were just this beautiful little boy! And you trusted him. Where were your parents? What did they do?’ It felt to me as if she had kicked their door down, was holding me by the hand and shaking her finger in their faces. I do not recall ever feeling stood up for, so protected before that. Needless to say, I cried like a baby. With her protecting me, my profound vulnerability could be released and honestly felt. It was an amazing moment. I had no idea I needed that sort of protection.”
Working with an Eight client’s childhood history depends on the therapist’s style as well as the client’s interest, need and readiness. Eights can be hyper-sensitive to perceived manipulation and a therapist who acts “too caring” may be suspected of being phony: “If you respond too emotionally I am not giving you any more. It seems manipulative.” A therapist’s caring may remind Eights of painful buried parts of their history, something they may not be ready to endure. They could also reframe a therapist’s empathy as weakness, concluding that the therapist is not strong enough to help them.
When probed, Eight clients often minimize their childhood pain. One Eight suggested trying the following line of inquiry: “Hurting doesn’t seem to hurt as much to you as it does to others. Were you ever hurt as a kid?’ ‘How?’” Making a link between denying their weakness and having been hurt as a child helps Eights recognize present reenactments: “Being angry, hurting others, and denying the importance of feelings protects me from the memory of my own pain.”
After the Eight admits their childhood pain, representational objects can remind them to nurture their younger self: “My therapist had me go and buy a doll that looked like me, and she had me go inside and comfort the little girl and the young sexually acting out woman. When I comforted my little girl it made a monumental difference. Sometimes my therapist needed to remind me until I learned to remember to do it myself. She had me bring in a picture of the little girl to see how strong she must have been. I’m in awe of this child.”
Working with Denial
Since an Eight’s first impulse is to deny their own capacity to hurt others, therapists might have to fish for buried remorse over damage the Eight may have done. One Eight suggested asking a question like: “People hurt people. Have you ever hurt anyone?” Another Eight said, “My therapist holds up a mirror to me and reminds me of old behaviors that I slip into that don’t work. For me it’s a lot easier just to get mad, leave and forget the bodies I’ve left in my wake.”
When Eights begin to face the damage they may have caused they can get depressed. Both their anger and their passion for life then may seem absent. One Eight who had been through a near divorce advised: “Recognize potential for suicide. The attitude is different from other types. It’s ‘I did the crime, so I’ll do the time.’”
Eights are self-forgetting, which predisposes them to act impulsively in ways they may later regret. One client described how her therapist taught her to visualize her anger instead of acting on it: “I stuff my anger until there is a nasty scene. I’m a scientist so my therapist will start at a scientific level, and break down what happens when I am angry. My heart races, I am crying, my emotions are out of control. This creates pictures, I can see my heart racing, my shortness of breath.”
When Eights are impatient and judgmental it often means that their vulnerability is close to their conscious awareness: “Anger is a quick closing of the door against what was about to happen. On this edge Eights are so out of touch with their feelings, except for anger, and so wrapped in denial and so afraid. When a threatening moment comes, along with it comes great risk of being exposed and the weak self being uncovered, the defense is to shut down, to suddenly not give a shit about the process and to deny the moment that had just loomed close and threatening.
“Usually I feel disdain for the whole silly, annoying game of bullshit therapy. There is no point sitting here wasting my time, I’m out of here, fuck this. I’ve felt it as anger, and as resentment and as not exactly boredom but a sort of tired existential ‘why bother?’ reaction. I’ve had two great therapists and in such situations both of them reacted with questions like ‘Did you just stop feeling? Where did you go?’ or ‘You just went away, what were you feeling?’ It also helps me to connect my past with my present feelings.”
Therapy can give Eights a context for examining the Eight’s denial of the guilt and regret they feel about any damage they have caused. It can also help them identify their most authentic intentions, often masked by the aggressive immediacy of their reactions. An Eight described the type of dialogue her therapist effectively used under these circumstances: “I used to give the impression I didn’t care, this is not the truth. I would blow someone off in public and I knew I had hurt them, but in private I would play it over and over in my mind, thinking things like ‘I can’t believe they thought I would do something like that!’ Sort of like changing the subject – thinking about what they thought rather than the fact that I had hurt them.
A therapist might ask me: ‘So you are saying you can’t see how this person’s feelings would be hurt?’ I would say, ‘No I understand they are hurt, but I didn’t mean to.’ The therapist could then push me further by asking, ‘So what did you mean?’ I will say anything to stay on top. If you can help me express what I really mean that helps.”
Eight clients also remind us to be suspicious of the too-quick answer: “If an Eight answers too fast, the therapist might have to identify that process. He could say something like, ‘you are someone who has a quick instinctual answer to most questions and that has worked well for you. But you seem to be ineffective right now in one area of your life. I wonder if you would be open to looking at things in a different way?’”
Converting the Vengeful Mind
An Eight’s competitive instinct and discomfort with vulnerability can easily translate into picking on others or be magnified into a sense of vengeance: “Truth is malleable; it feels good to believe whatever makes you feel both strong and justified. But it may lead to hurting others.”
One Eight’s story illustrates a painful repetition of an unconscious parental triangle: “I still didn’t get the integrity piece, I got involved with a colleague’s wife for fun, I had made a public comment that I could get this woman from this man and I did. Shortly after he was shot and killed. We all saw it happen, and everyone blamed me even though I had nothing to do with the actual shooting. I moved and brought her with me, but I did not love her. It was guilt. Finally I entered therapy to deal with my depression. The therapist worked with images of the event, making them bigger and smaller. This was NLP and it helped some.
“But the most helpful thing was an exercise where I had to choose five safe people to tell the story to. I thought it was black and white, either I was a really bad person or it didn’t matter. Being honest about what I had done and getting a compassionate response allowed me to see my role honestly, forgive myself for the past and change my behavior of playing with people’s feelings. I had to look hard at my integrity. I decided I would never casually play with people’s feelings again. I also had to understand how my competition with my father and my special role with my mother was part of what had motivated me.”
For Eights who are ready to face their habits of harshly judging others, holding themselves exempt and acting vengeful, helping them deconstruct their assumptions is useful: “My therapist asks me think about others and where they are, how to stop and collect myself. She openly talks about how I need to stop and think about the judgments I make about others. She asks me why I make them, how do I know I am right, are they well placed. This makes me break it down and tell the truth. I can be so judgmental and when I get going I don’t care if it is true, because it is what I want to believe.”
Another Eight added this story: “I went to a spiritual counselor several years ago who said ‘You are an incredibly judgmental person, you hurt people with your thoughts, you hurt people with your actions. You might not like their hair, clothes, how they seem to you. But, you need to realize they are somebody’s sister, brother or mother – they are somebody.’
“Several years went by and I never thought about her words. Then for some reason I did. Since then I’ve allowed myself to remember her voice as an objective filter. When the hateful thoughts take over I just remember her words. Questioning myself no longer seems like a weakness.”
Therapists need to be aware that vengeful thoughts are gatekeepers for deeper feelings that will surface when the Eight’s thought-patterns are interrupted: “I’ve learned to second guess myself. I used to just say whatever I felt like saying. Now I observe how people react to me – with avoidance or fear – and I care about how they feel.” Another Eight added, “Learning to be gentle with myself is harder than being vengeful.”
When Eights interrupt their lustful vengeful energy, they may feel unmasked and child-like. They can especially benefit from tools that help them heal the innocent child within. Learning to be truthful, while staying compassionate, is the work at this point. Meditations that focus on the heart can be especially helpful.
Connecting Points
Eight Connects to Five
Eights have a connection to Five and to Two. Both help Eights contain their expansive energy, bringing them focus, an objective mindset and an appropriate emotional vulnerability.
Eights express their connection to Five with an attraction to information. Many said, for example, that they needed information to help them tolerate being in therapy. Knowing something about the theories that underly the therapeutic process allows an Eight client a sense of control. “It is important to me,” one Eight said, “to have a framework or a container to place myself in. I need to know what is going on. My therapist provided me with background reading material.”
Eights also find their Five qualities nurturing and restorative: “Part of my going 100 miles an hour was to avoid quiet, introspection and aloneness. Now I have learned to use the Five part to nurture both myself and others.”
On the down side, when Eights are depressed or ashamed of having lost control in a relationship they can withdraw like a Five, isolating themselves from the support of others. They may then construct self-justifying stories that significantly distort reality and cut them off further. It is helpful for therapists to watch for this tendency and possibly bring it up with the client: “My therapist always confronts me on my tendency to hole up.”
Eight Connects to Two
Eights are often caretakers and, like Twos, they can resent giving too much, especially to those who don’t seem to help themselves. They may, however, feel codependently compelled to fight other people’s battles: “I always have vengeful thoughts, but if I act on them I feel awful. Still, other people want me to act on them and sometimes I get used.”
One Eight said that her therapist helped her manage her caretaking tendencies by continually asking: “Who are you really protecting?” and “Why are you protecting them?” These questions helped the Eight see how she projected her own needs and childhood wounds. For Eights, finding a balance between protecting those who seem defenseless versus slamming the door on giving can be a rich source of growth.
On the high side, developing their inner Two helps Eights express their compassion and big hearts. An Eight therapist said: “I have a quick and very accurate intuitive reading of people, and can almost feel what is hurting them, and what they need from me.”
Dreams
Many Eights report dreams that are vivid, fast, dramatic and colorful. One Eight woman remembered a recurrent dream from high school, a time when she did not ‘fit in’: “I had these school bus dreams. I always had a green hat on. I hate hats and I hate green. Typically the bus was out of control; there was usually something wrong with the driver. The bus had big windows, I saw things outside going by really fast. I sat in the seat with my stupid green hat on. Things are going by and I have to take control. Finally I do something – either drive the bus myself or stop it somehow.”
Had this dreamer been in therapy her therapist might have learned a great deal from her dreams, perhaps about her struggles with undependable adults, or her unstable sense of being out of control and looking for a way out. Perhaps she knew was going to have to grow up fast in order to survive. Dreams can cut through an Eight’s denial.
Good Enough Therapy
An Eight’s therapist should meet their client’s tough defense with honesty and authentic strength. They may also need to offer solid information delivered with compassion and competency. The Eight client’s denial needs to be skillfully confronted. As Eights recognize the damage done by the momentum of their aggression, they need a therapist to stay truthful, but also help the Eight alter, understand and forgive their own behavior. The therapist may also have to extend a protective quality when an Eight’s vulnerable self – no longer masked by denial – begins to emerge. The path of growth for Eights is to remember their quality of innocence and integrate it as a rightful aspect of their true strength.
• Many Eights have a big energy and a noticeable intensity
• They are usually forthright and direct
• Can play Good Mother or Good Father roles and be protective and nurturing
• May be confrontational and demanding; can readily shift into anger and blame
• Self-referencing; may positively spin their own behavior
• In relationships they can be controlling and sometimes overwhelming
• In conflict, they can seem to have amnesia for their own past behavior; at other times they can be ruthlessly hard on themselves.
• Substance abuse may evolve from excessively enjoying sensory pleasure combined with their need to deny their underlying pain and vulnerability.
Healthy Eights are magnanimous, sharing their power and energy in a community spirit. They are natural leaders who want the best for everybody and act from high ethical values. They are also unguarded, allowing themselves to share the tender side of their heart.
When caught in their unhealthy pattern, Eights can be overpowering and insensitive to others and aggressive about taking what they impulsively desire. They ignore the impact of their bullying behavior on others even as they deny their own vulnerability. The Eight attention style fixes on power, overt control, excess, strength, and justice.
The prevailing American culture has a love affair with the energy of Eights, particularly as a male Archetype. Americans applaud figures like John Wayne or Clint Eastwood playing roles of protective vengeance. Eights say they feel the culture rewards aggression and supports their strong persona: “I never feel like a victim, I’m effective, and I feel society likes this about me.” While this is true for both sexes, female Eights often feel pressured to temper their aggression and channel their energy through an acceptable feminine image. It is more common for female Eights to develop the altruism of Two and the introversion of Five (see Connecting Points) at an early age.
Childhood Experiences and Adult Defenses
Eights possess an instinctual sense of truth and the inherent ability to relate to others without prejudice. As children, however, they learn to conceal their openness as they observe a world in which the weak are often victimized and the truth is defined by the most powerful. Those who have power – parents, teachers, authority figures – seem to harmfully misuse it or are too ineffectual to be trusted for protection. Eight children protect themselves by turning up the burner on their instinctual life force. This makes their energy available, abundant, and pleasurable.
Eight children often care for and protect others. As one Eight explained: “Nobody ever stood up for me. I never appeared to need it. I never consciously felt I needed it. It was 100% my job to protect others, and I would stop short of nothing to do it.” Another Eight added, “I went and stole a dog from some neighbors who were abusing it. My mom said ‘you have to return it.’ I said no. I kept it and ran a placement service for other abused animals I found.”
The parents of Eights often find it difficult to manage the child’s aggressive energy and many Eights remember not feeling held or nurtured: “My mom would tell my dad, ‘I cannot handle that kid. You’re going to have to do something.’” Some parents respond to the child’s power with double messages: “I think my dad liked my aggression even though I got in trouble. Everyone looked to me to solve problems in the neighborhood.”
Some Eights remembered throwing their abundant energy into being good students and community leaders. Others were near or over the edge of social approval: “All my life I’ve been a vicious fighter, always siding with the underdogs and outsiders, always seeing established authority as the enemy; this has been tough in my career because the concept of anyone being my boss is absurd to me.”
Some Eights described themselves as having been insecure and even shy, especially as children, but concede that this was probably not how others saw them. Even when conditions caused them to suppress their energy, the importance of being strong and protecting others was constant.
Eights protect themselves with the defense mechanism of denial, unconsciously disavowing their thoughts, feeling, wishes, needs or any external facts that are consciously unacceptable. The core neurotic impulse of Eights is “lust” – which can be sexual in nature, but also includes lust for whatever the Eight desires, especially power.
Lust drives Eights to be strong and act on their immediate desires which makes them feel omnipotent. They then deny their weaker feelings and the damaging impact of their actions. By acting quickly and impulsively, Eights avoid reflecting on their behavior, maintaining a momentum that prevents them from recognizing the vulnerability and hurt of others. More importantly this denial keeps them from feeling their own vulnerability. One Eight describes how she would deny her own doubt: “I want to have all my answers right away and I need to show no doubt. Some questions need complexity but I just have an answer in your face, ‘That’s how I feel, if you don’t accept my answer you are wrong.’”
What Brings Eights to Therapy
We often do not see Eights in therapy until they have a major crisis. Their capacity to handle pain without acknowledging it and the reinforcement they get from others for being strong steers them away from self-reflection. The most likely reason for an Eight to seek therapy is the threat of loss of significant others. Someone important to the Eight has “had it” with their behavior and is about to leave: “My wife was leaving me. I had to see how I hurt people ‘who matter’ and how I had denied the importance of other people’s feelings. I deny feeling really bad about hurting people, and this works until people who matter leave.” Another Eight added, “I had to give up the belief that it’s OK to hurt people.”
When the neurotic importance of being in complete control conflicts with relationships, Eights can be blindsided by the feelings that surface: “When I broke up with my first love, it was my first experience with failure. I had always felt in complete charge of my life and I was depressed for the first time. The relationship brought out my softer side. It turns out that relationships are important and I had not realized that.”
Other Eights agree that they are the last to know when their “complete control” is an illusion:
• “I was really agitated all the time, denying my emotions about some recent troubles and losses. But, I thought no one could tell. My professor, whom I trusted, asked me ‘what my body was telling me?’ The question caught my attention, and he referred me to a Gestalt therapist.”
• “I just didn’t realize what loss really meant until I experienced it.”
• “Therapy helped me see that my limitations came from me.”
What Does Not Work
Eight clients report that therapists often fail to negotiate their defenses. Eights see through dishonesty easily and, while they do need therapists to be strong, they don’t need us to ‘act’ tough: “It has amused me when therapists try to pick a fight with me in order to see, experience, work with my rage first hand. Any Eight knows when a fight is not real.” Eights warn that if they answer a therapist’s question too quickly, the therapist should be suspicious: “When a therapist asks me a question that is emotional or thought-provoking, I can clam up. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to answer. I want to answer in a way that maintains my sense of control. I may give a quick B.S. answer.” Therapists who continue to accept “B.S.” answers lose the Eight’s attention and trust.
Eight clients also say that formulaic approaches that allow them to stay on the surface or require they play a role don’t engage them: “For me the least helpful is cognitive therapy. It is just too safe. We can put things together and can stay there. It’s fun, I look really good and never get to the vulnerable place. This therapy reinforces staying the same, ‘I have it all together and I haven’t shared a single wound.’” Another Eight adds: “My wife and I had two sessions with this guy in Chicago, and he was using linguistics, trying to get us to re-state with ‘I’ messages, etc. I thought right away, ‘This is not going to work.’ I don’t want to waste my time in therapy, I am impatient.”
Some Eights may perceive a therapist with a reflective style as too passive or weak: “My first therapist was very quiet. I felt I was overwhelming her. The more I talked the more her eyes got big and she got quiet. I ended up feeling bad, like I had done something wrong.” An anxious style is no better: “Later another therapist asked me eager questions like ‘Is this helping? I really want to help you.’ I got rid of her, too.” Eight clients say that therapists should take heed when the Eight asks the therapist questions like: “Are you doing alright?” “Do you understand?” “Are you with me?” If they think the therapist is not strong enough, the Eight may start protecting the therapist by concealing their own needs.
Defended Eights can test and challenge therapists with an impatient, contentious presentation. Some therapists may be intimidated and contract while others could be tempted to adopt a false toughness. Eights warn us that they will read the therapist quickly and give up in disgust if it doesn’t look hopeful. The therapy might have had a chance to succeed if the therapists had known how to read the Eight defense and the fear it covers. Here is how Eights say they act when feeling defended in therapy:
• “I test, and challenge you to see if you are willing to be there with me. I need to know.”
• “I have spent my whole life with people not getting me. I assume you aren’t going to get me either and I come to therapy with a chip on my shoulder.”
• “My first thought is: OK, if we have to do this let’s make it fast, effective and efficient.”
• “Therapists need to understand we will be suspicious and filled with angry denial, and if they can’t stand up and fight, we will go elsewhere. You need to understand, we want help more than we will indicate.”
What Does Work
Eight clients want the foundations of therapy set as quickly as possible. Most talk of needing a strong, honest, smart therapist with whom they feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Therapists need to know it is hard for Eights to establish trust. Most recommend a forthright approach:
• “Therapy needs to be fast and hard-hitting early on.”
• “I need to perceive you have something of power to offer.”
• “For the therapist to effectively meet the Eight energy and ‘hold the space’ they need to be very directive, offering a solid dose of reality.”
• “Don’t pretend. Tell me the truth.”
• “I need someone equal, and intellectually able to handle me.”
• “The therapist has to be really intelligent to make me feel safe.”
One Eight remembered a therapist who approached her exactly right when she was a smart but troubled teenager: “I was feeling so powerless. First he helped me find answers quickly, which was an intellectual hook. Right away he gave me a Transactional Analysis book and said, ‘Here, figure out where you are in the ego blocks section and tell me by the next session.’ What I liked so well was that he connected with my mind first and then later he hooked me up with my emotions.” The value of first being offered intellectual resources was echoed by another Eight: “The therapist was wonderful. I hadn’t realized how I had stuffed my feelings. She gave me information, reading, and assistance with a plan. She kept focus, maintained just the right balance of emotion and direction. She was truthful.” When Eights say they want truth, they are asking us to be our most honest; to speak from our most authentic intelligence of body, mind and heart.
During various developmental stages and life crises, having a safe nurturing relationship can be critical for Eights. Teachers and mentors who took an interest in an Eight child can leave a memory of safety and growth through relationship. Therapists can bring the memory of such people into sessions as allies in the current work. An Eight woman remembered a high school teacher who ”just took me under her wing. I think she realized I did not fit in and she just spent extra time with me. She was interested in my life and believed in me.” This mentoring relationship made a considerable difference: “She believed I was smart and encouraged me to go to college, which I did.”
At a different life stage, supportive talk therapy can be exactly the right medicine for an Eight. The same woman above continues: “In college, far away from home for the first time, I became reckless. I drank a lot, was into a lot of sex. I hated my father and was angry.
“I was almost raped and this forced me to look at my omnipotence. I could see this was taking me down a wrong path and I was afraid of failure and looking bad, losing it all. I began to see a counselor, just to let off steam. It was just talk therapy, a safe haven, but it re-directed some of the feelings causing the recklessness. There was no real direction to it but I was in control, came when I wanted to and talked about what I wanted to, it got me through those three years.
“Direction was important later, when therapy empowered me to appreciate my strength and honesty, to be more of an Eight. When I was young I was more shy, I had low self-esteem and withdrew and took care of other people, I let my husband control me. I’m now clear about who I am and I appreciate my passion.”
A number of female Eights report relationship histories where they felt controlled. Despite their surface toughness, a surprising percentage had also been victims of physical and verbal abuse. Contributing factors included the fact that an Eight’s strong persona can attract dependent-aggressive men and that some Eights equate fighting with intimacy.
Female Eights can also feel guilty about their own aggression and try to suppress it. They often benefit when therapists help them identify appropriate boundaries and teach them ways to avoid getting caught in their own aggression. Some may fail to protect themselves from present abusive behavior because they haven’t forgiven themselves for past relationship failures.
Finding a healthy, powerful feminine identity can be a heroine’s journey for Eight women: “I think there are some gender identification issues for female Eights. No way could I have gone to therapy with a woman first. I idealized my father and did not respect my mother. Eventually, though, I needed a woman therapist who could help me know feminine power – that it does not have to be weak.”
Family and Conjoint Therapy
One possible dilemma for therapists working with an individual is deciding whether to include other family members in the therapy after individual therapy has begun. Shifting to a conjoint or family context can seem compelling when a client’s problems seem more interpersonal than intrapersonal; for example, when the client continually talks about their issues with a significant other.
However, therapists sometimes minimize the risk of betraying the safety of the therapeutic relationship, something Eights are unusually sensitive to: “After about a year in individual therapy for depression my psychiatrist suggested we bring in my (now ex) husband. I went along with it, and it was only for two sessions, but it was like my husband poisoned the space. I just stopped feeling safe.
“I continued with the therapy for another three or four months, but the damage never completely healed. I was far enough along so I quit. I might have done more and deeper work, but we never talked about what it was like for me to have had him there.”
An Eight’s apparent toughness can belie their actual need for safety. If the therapist thoroughly explores the consequences of inviting another family member into therapy beforehand, it can prevent the client from feeling unsafe or even betrayed. Often it’s better for the therapist to refer their Eight client and spouse to another therapist – whose client would be the couple – even if individual work needs to be temporarily put on hold.
In conjoint therapy, Eights can learn to listen and reflect before reacting: “When I get in a disagreement I want to resolve it now. I’ve learned how to wait.”
The language of feelings and vulnerability may be unfamiliar to an Eight client and the therapist may need to make them explicit: “Needs and subtlety just go right over my head. Friends have told me I just do not pick up on clues; when they are needy they have to spell it out or I don’t see it.” For many Eights, receiving nurturing is equally difficult: “When my partner would try to nurture me it made me angry, brought up feelings of vulnerability. To me it seems black or white. Either no nurturing at all or you open the door to a vulnerability that is bottomless.
“I’ve been learning it’s a matter of degree, but I still sometimes need the other person to spell out what it means. For instance, if my husband says ‘I’ll take care of you,’ it means nothing. If he says ‘you can lay in bed for two days and I’ll take care of the dogs and feed the kids,’ then I know what I can depend on.”
Two Eights enthusiastically recommended “Imago Therapy,” particularly the ‘container’ exercise. In this exercise, offered in “Getting the Love You Want” workshops, individuals take turns expressing old angers to their partner.
The technique helped this Eight to break through her anger and allow intimacy: “As a couple we spent 10 days with Harville Hendricks. The approach was very confrontational. It makes you look at your relationship with your parents. I really cried and looked into my sadness. The container exercise allowed me for the first time to have my anger, and it makes you relate this back to childhood. I always felt like my partner could not handle my anger. It allowed me to know that he could handle my anger and gave me parameters around the intensity. I was made responsible for looking in my own self for the causes. Finding out about how to express it, without causing harm. And the vulnerability of asking for what I have never gotten was powerful.”
Group therapy can offer Eights support and a sense of community making it safe for them to be vulnerable. At first, however, they may seem to have no needs in a way that belies the actual work they do: “It is hard for me to see how imperfect I am. I had to do this work alone, between group sessions. Otherwise I would have lost too much face. In groups, I have this image of being a leader. When I did finally do some work in my group and even cried, I was amazed to hear others say that they still saw me as strong. They thought I had more guts because of it. I was touched by the group’s honesty.”
Vulnerability and the Need for Protection
As I said, Eights need more protection in therapy than is readily obvious. One highly experienced couples therapist – herself an Eight – noted that many therapists expect the Eight in a couple to be the one to change. She also finds they push unfairly against the Eight’s energy because the Eight seems strong enough to take it. In her own couples counseling, she makes a particular effort to help the Eight’s partner understand and decode the Eight’s strong reactions, partly because Eights often feel misunderstood.
Several Eights were aware that their abundant energy allowed them to mask the side-effects of substance abuse and high-risk behavior. Therapists may need to look below an Eight client’s surface assurances that everything is fine and consider these dangers even if the client won’t: “I can be so in control on drugs. I have the energy to use a lot of drugs and still show up and make “A” grades in school and get any job done. I rationalize it by telling myself that I am so intense and that few people can match my intensity. But drugs can match my intensity, making it an attractive ‘relationship.’ The truth is that Eights are lonely at a core level. We can’t express it because we can’t admit it. The drugs numb the pain.”
Eights say they often neglect themselves and believe they can’t depend on anyone else: “By self-definition, I am both un-needful and undeserving of compassion. I need no one’s caring.” These clients also mask their need for protection with surface toughness towards the therapist. One client described feeling “afraid I was in danger of being dependent on my therapist. She saw me as much stronger than I was. I had a panic attack for the first time ever when I was in therapy with her. I knew this was coming from my fear of the therapy relationship. When I told her I was feeling dependent, she said something about how smart I was, and assured me I was stronger than I thought. She was admiring my defense. I felt shame for my vulnerability, wanted her to hold me, and I was ashamed for even having that thought.”
One Eight describes his surprised relief at feeling protected by his therapist: “The first time I ever recall anyone addressing my need for protection was when my therapist – ironically, a tiny, lovely young woman – reacted strongly when I told her about my sexual abuse. She was clearly outraged and angry: ‘You were just this beautiful little boy! And you trusted him. Where were your parents? What did they do?’ It felt to me as if she had kicked their door down, was holding me by the hand and shaking her finger in their faces. I do not recall ever feeling stood up for, so protected before that. Needless to say, I cried like a baby. With her protecting me, my profound vulnerability could be released and honestly felt. It was an amazing moment. I had no idea I needed that sort of protection.”
Working with an Eight client’s childhood history depends on the therapist’s style as well as the client’s interest, need and readiness. Eights can be hyper-sensitive to perceived manipulation and a therapist who acts “too caring” may be suspected of being phony: “If you respond too emotionally I am not giving you any more. It seems manipulative.” A therapist’s caring may remind Eights of painful buried parts of their history, something they may not be ready to endure. They could also reframe a therapist’s empathy as weakness, concluding that the therapist is not strong enough to help them.
When probed, Eight clients often minimize their childhood pain. One Eight suggested trying the following line of inquiry: “Hurting doesn’t seem to hurt as much to you as it does to others. Were you ever hurt as a kid?’ ‘How?’” Making a link between denying their weakness and having been hurt as a child helps Eights recognize present reenactments: “Being angry, hurting others, and denying the importance of feelings protects me from the memory of my own pain.”
After the Eight admits their childhood pain, representational objects can remind them to nurture their younger self: “My therapist had me go and buy a doll that looked like me, and she had me go inside and comfort the little girl and the young sexually acting out woman. When I comforted my little girl it made a monumental difference. Sometimes my therapist needed to remind me until I learned to remember to do it myself. She had me bring in a picture of the little girl to see how strong she must have been. I’m in awe of this child.”
Working with Denial
Since an Eight’s first impulse is to deny their own capacity to hurt others, therapists might have to fish for buried remorse over damage the Eight may have done. One Eight suggested asking a question like: “People hurt people. Have you ever hurt anyone?” Another Eight said, “My therapist holds up a mirror to me and reminds me of old behaviors that I slip into that don’t work. For me it’s a lot easier just to get mad, leave and forget the bodies I’ve left in my wake.”
When Eights begin to face the damage they may have caused they can get depressed. Both their anger and their passion for life then may seem absent. One Eight who had been through a near divorce advised: “Recognize potential for suicide. The attitude is different from other types. It’s ‘I did the crime, so I’ll do the time.’”
Eights are self-forgetting, which predisposes them to act impulsively in ways they may later regret. One client described how her therapist taught her to visualize her anger instead of acting on it: “I stuff my anger until there is a nasty scene. I’m a scientist so my therapist will start at a scientific level, and break down what happens when I am angry. My heart races, I am crying, my emotions are out of control. This creates pictures, I can see my heart racing, my shortness of breath.”
When Eights are impatient and judgmental it often means that their vulnerability is close to their conscious awareness: “Anger is a quick closing of the door against what was about to happen. On this edge Eights are so out of touch with their feelings, except for anger, and so wrapped in denial and so afraid. When a threatening moment comes, along with it comes great risk of being exposed and the weak self being uncovered, the defense is to shut down, to suddenly not give a shit about the process and to deny the moment that had just loomed close and threatening.
“Usually I feel disdain for the whole silly, annoying game of bullshit therapy. There is no point sitting here wasting my time, I’m out of here, fuck this. I’ve felt it as anger, and as resentment and as not exactly boredom but a sort of tired existential ‘why bother?’ reaction. I’ve had two great therapists and in such situations both of them reacted with questions like ‘Did you just stop feeling? Where did you go?’ or ‘You just went away, what were you feeling?’ It also helps me to connect my past with my present feelings.”
Therapy can give Eights a context for examining the Eight’s denial of the guilt and regret they feel about any damage they have caused. It can also help them identify their most authentic intentions, often masked by the aggressive immediacy of their reactions. An Eight described the type of dialogue her therapist effectively used under these circumstances: “I used to give the impression I didn’t care, this is not the truth. I would blow someone off in public and I knew I had hurt them, but in private I would play it over and over in my mind, thinking things like ‘I can’t believe they thought I would do something like that!’ Sort of like changing the subject – thinking about what they thought rather than the fact that I had hurt them.
A therapist might ask me: ‘So you are saying you can’t see how this person’s feelings would be hurt?’ I would say, ‘No I understand they are hurt, but I didn’t mean to.’ The therapist could then push me further by asking, ‘So what did you mean?’ I will say anything to stay on top. If you can help me express what I really mean that helps.”
Eight clients also remind us to be suspicious of the too-quick answer: “If an Eight answers too fast, the therapist might have to identify that process. He could say something like, ‘you are someone who has a quick instinctual answer to most questions and that has worked well for you. But you seem to be ineffective right now in one area of your life. I wonder if you would be open to looking at things in a different way?’”
Converting the Vengeful Mind
An Eight’s competitive instinct and discomfort with vulnerability can easily translate into picking on others or be magnified into a sense of vengeance: “Truth is malleable; it feels good to believe whatever makes you feel both strong and justified. But it may lead to hurting others.”
One Eight’s story illustrates a painful repetition of an unconscious parental triangle: “I still didn’t get the integrity piece, I got involved with a colleague’s wife for fun, I had made a public comment that I could get this woman from this man and I did. Shortly after he was shot and killed. We all saw it happen, and everyone blamed me even though I had nothing to do with the actual shooting. I moved and brought her with me, but I did not love her. It was guilt. Finally I entered therapy to deal with my depression. The therapist worked with images of the event, making them bigger and smaller. This was NLP and it helped some.
“But the most helpful thing was an exercise where I had to choose five safe people to tell the story to. I thought it was black and white, either I was a really bad person or it didn’t matter. Being honest about what I had done and getting a compassionate response allowed me to see my role honestly, forgive myself for the past and change my behavior of playing with people’s feelings. I had to look hard at my integrity. I decided I would never casually play with people’s feelings again. I also had to understand how my competition with my father and my special role with my mother was part of what had motivated me.”
For Eights who are ready to face their habits of harshly judging others, holding themselves exempt and acting vengeful, helping them deconstruct their assumptions is useful: “My therapist asks me think about others and where they are, how to stop and collect myself. She openly talks about how I need to stop and think about the judgments I make about others. She asks me why I make them, how do I know I am right, are they well placed. This makes me break it down and tell the truth. I can be so judgmental and when I get going I don’t care if it is true, because it is what I want to believe.”
Another Eight added this story: “I went to a spiritual counselor several years ago who said ‘You are an incredibly judgmental person, you hurt people with your thoughts, you hurt people with your actions. You might not like their hair, clothes, how they seem to you. But, you need to realize they are somebody’s sister, brother or mother – they are somebody.’
“Several years went by and I never thought about her words. Then for some reason I did. Since then I’ve allowed myself to remember her voice as an objective filter. When the hateful thoughts take over I just remember her words. Questioning myself no longer seems like a weakness.”
Therapists need to be aware that vengeful thoughts are gatekeepers for deeper feelings that will surface when the Eight’s thought-patterns are interrupted: “I’ve learned to second guess myself. I used to just say whatever I felt like saying. Now I observe how people react to me – with avoidance or fear – and I care about how they feel.” Another Eight added, “Learning to be gentle with myself is harder than being vengeful.”
When Eights interrupt their lustful vengeful energy, they may feel unmasked and child-like. They can especially benefit from tools that help them heal the innocent child within. Learning to be truthful, while staying compassionate, is the work at this point. Meditations that focus on the heart can be especially helpful.
Connecting Points
Eight Connects to Five
Eights have a connection to Five and to Two. Both help Eights contain their expansive energy, bringing them focus, an objective mindset and an appropriate emotional vulnerability.
Eights express their connection to Five with an attraction to information. Many said, for example, that they needed information to help them tolerate being in therapy. Knowing something about the theories that underly the therapeutic process allows an Eight client a sense of control. “It is important to me,” one Eight said, “to have a framework or a container to place myself in. I need to know what is going on. My therapist provided me with background reading material.”
Eights also find their Five qualities nurturing and restorative: “Part of my going 100 miles an hour was to avoid quiet, introspection and aloneness. Now I have learned to use the Five part to nurture both myself and others.”
On the down side, when Eights are depressed or ashamed of having lost control in a relationship they can withdraw like a Five, isolating themselves from the support of others. They may then construct self-justifying stories that significantly distort reality and cut them off further. It is helpful for therapists to watch for this tendency and possibly bring it up with the client: “My therapist always confronts me on my tendency to hole up.”
Eight Connects to Two
Eights are often caretakers and, like Twos, they can resent giving too much, especially to those who don’t seem to help themselves. They may, however, feel codependently compelled to fight other people’s battles: “I always have vengeful thoughts, but if I act on them I feel awful. Still, other people want me to act on them and sometimes I get used.”
One Eight said that her therapist helped her manage her caretaking tendencies by continually asking: “Who are you really protecting?” and “Why are you protecting them?” These questions helped the Eight see how she projected her own needs and childhood wounds. For Eights, finding a balance between protecting those who seem defenseless versus slamming the door on giving can be a rich source of growth.
On the high side, developing their inner Two helps Eights express their compassion and big hearts. An Eight therapist said: “I have a quick and very accurate intuitive reading of people, and can almost feel what is hurting them, and what they need from me.”
Dreams
Many Eights report dreams that are vivid, fast, dramatic and colorful. One Eight woman remembered a recurrent dream from high school, a time when she did not ‘fit in’: “I had these school bus dreams. I always had a green hat on. I hate hats and I hate green. Typically the bus was out of control; there was usually something wrong with the driver. The bus had big windows, I saw things outside going by really fast. I sat in the seat with my stupid green hat on. Things are going by and I have to take control. Finally I do something – either drive the bus myself or stop it somehow.”
Had this dreamer been in therapy her therapist might have learned a great deal from her dreams, perhaps about her struggles with undependable adults, or her unstable sense of being out of control and looking for a way out. Perhaps she knew was going to have to grow up fast in order to survive. Dreams can cut through an Eight’s denial.
Good Enough Therapy
An Eight’s therapist should meet their client’s tough defense with honesty and authentic strength. They may also need to offer solid information delivered with compassion and competency. The Eight client’s denial needs to be skillfully confronted. As Eights recognize the damage done by the momentum of their aggression, they need a therapist to stay truthful, but also help the Eight alter, understand and forgive their own behavior. The therapist may also have to extend a protective quality when an Eight’s vulnerable self – no longer masked by denial – begins to emerge. The path of growth for Eights is to remember their quality of innocence and integrate it as a rightful aspect of their true strength.